February 2, 2012

at least I'm not bored

I almost lost my shit last week. 

Zack came home from work & I promptly left. 

And then I drove. And drove. And drove. 

My thoughts, my wheels, my hormones were a-spinnin'. 

And I kept driving. Zoned out yet feeling like someone had me by the back of the neck, ready to drop kick me. 

And there was silence. Just the hum of the road. And I sat in it for a long time. 

I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to scream but I didn't have the energy. 

So, I opened my mouth & let out a long, moan-y, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck." 

God, it felt good. 

Like when Zach Braff & Natalie Portman & that other grave digger dude stood at the top of a bulldozer & bellowed from their guts into the infinite abyss. 

I've been so overwhelmed. I can't keep up with anything. My inbox. My 3 year old. My commitments. My friendships. My work. My bullshit. And then I feel guilty about ALL OF IT. 

And then I freeze. 

At least I recognize my cycle of tendencies. That much is good. It's the first step. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep going. To breathe. And to take the next step. 

I celebrate those steps. Sometimes I raise my hands in victory over them. Even if it's washing one spoon. Answering one email. Typing one word. 

It's not like I'm unhappy though. I'm not. It's just stressful to live life on a roller coaster of emotions. 

People ask me how I'm doing & I say, "crazy." There is some crazy awesome shit happening in my life & there is also some crazy heart wrenching shit going on. 

It's hard but it's good. 

And I will gladly take brokenness & beauty over apathy any damn day. 


Cindy Reed said...

I recently did something similar. At night. In my PJs and a parka. Sitting in an Ingles parking lot. Go girl.

haitchkay said...

I think you might be me!! Everything I have read is so true!! I found your page through etsy as I also have a web shop which sells quirky cards...I can't believe how similar everything We do seems to be!!! It's hard work living with a rollercoaster head and the cards and prints help me get some of the crazy on paper!!

haitchkay said...

I think you may be me!! I followed your link from etsy. I have a Webshop and card publishing business in the uk and I can't believe how similar our style is...quirky, naughty but cute!! I have a rollercoaster of a mind, which is great for creativity, but life can really get in the way!!


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