Zack came home from work & I promptly left.
And then I drove. And drove. And drove.
My thoughts, my wheels, my hormones were a-spinnin'.
And I kept driving. Zoned out yet feeling like someone had me by the back of the neck, ready to drop kick me.
And there was silence. Just the hum of the road. And I sat in it for a long time.
I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to scream but I didn't have the energy.
So, I opened my mouth & let out a long, moan-y, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."
God, it felt good.
Like when Zach Braff & Natalie Portman & that other grave digger dude stood at the top of a bulldozer & bellowed from their guts into the infinite abyss.
I've been so overwhelmed. I can't keep up with anything. My inbox. My 3 year old. My commitments. My friendships. My work. My bullshit. And then I feel guilty about ALL OF IT.
And then I freeze.
At least I recognize my cycle of tendencies. That much is good. It's the first step. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep going. To breathe. And to take the next step.
I celebrate those steps. Sometimes I raise my hands in victory over them. Even if it's washing one spoon. Answering one email. Typing one word.
It's not like I'm unhappy though. I'm not. It's just stressful to live life on a roller coaster of emotions.
People ask me how I'm doing & I say, "crazy." There is some crazy awesome shit happening in my life & there is also some crazy heart wrenching shit going on.
It's hard but it's good.
And I will gladly take brokenness & beauty over apathy any damn day.