The one where I meet Amy Sedaris & sort of show her my boob.

Ok, so apparently the vlog Gods* are straight up hating on me today because I have attempted to vlog about 17 thousand million times & it effed up EVERY TIME. Ugh. Whatever. (*in case you were wondering, I don't really believe there is such a thing as vlog Gods).

I had the most incrediballs weekend. For real, it was EPIC. I never use that word but this weekend totally deserves that amount of ridiculous enthusiasm. I'm going to break it up into 3 different installments due to the massive amount of pictures & words that need to be shared to the internet. Your attention span is probably too short for all of it at once. I know mine is.

Let's start with Friday night.

Sarah, Emily & I went to the Amy Sedaris reading at the Asheville Community Theatre that Malaprop's put on. 

Look how big our smiles are. It's because, holy shit, we're going to see Amy Sedaris craft some stupid shit AND then meet her afterwards so she can sign her new book, Simple Times for us. 

We are fans of Amy's stupid crafty shit!

I was particularly excited because she is sort of my hero. I mean, a large portion of her last book consisted of pictures of her trying to put on control top panty hose. It was love at 1st crotch shot for me. (I wish I could say that about more people. That was not an invitation to show me your crotch. Unless you have a really attractive crotch. Then by all means, show me).

We made sure we got there early for good seats. Front row, baby.

I was also really excited because I made her some presents. I wanted to make her something she would actually use. So I made her these bad boys:

Yes, that is one of my old inhalers glued to a red lighter. The pink one has magnets on the other side so she can keep it on her refrigerator. I shellacked the orange one with a fortune & some mod podge. And the blue one has a joint made out of felt, glued to it.

I was really proud of my work. I don't know if she actually smokes pot or not but she jokes about it a lot so I thought she would appreciate them.

I also slipped one of my "I love you with all of my butt" cards in there. 

This is what I wrote:

 And this is what I wrapped them in:

She came out on stage & almost immediately asked for a volunteer to help her. So, of course, I whipped my hand up & gestured like a rabid monkey. To my surprise, she freakin' picked me. It was at this moment that I have trouble recollecting exactly what went down for the next several minutes. I know I made it up the ramp & then scampered over to her. Apparently at one point she jokingly said, "show me your tits!" & I actually tried to show her. 

My job was to hold her microphone while she made her first craft. I was standing way too close. I am such a dork.

 Look at me. I was FREAKING. 

 I like how she's wearing the same dress she wore on the Tonight Show with David Letterman & on the cover of the book. 

 This is the part where I was trying to resist the urge to dry hump her or poke her in the boob with the mic. 

This is me laughing at the thought of dry humping her or poking her in the boob with the mic & then realizing that I had no effing clue what she was doing or talking about.

(Stop looking at my double chin).

 And this is the part where she asked me if I was going to school. 

ALL I could muster up was, "No. I'm old." 

Everything else was a blurrr. 

Except for the part where Emily asked her if she had any good craft ideas for people in rehab.

And when I handed her my present, which she took, said thank you & did not open. 

The next thing I know, it's over & we are in the lobby waiting to get our books signed. 

I also brought my copy of "I Like You" for her to sign. 

I briefly told her about the 2nd time I met her brother David & what he wrote in my book. 

That's why she wrote WHORE at the bottom.

In order for the signing to go quickly, the fabulous Malaprop's staff handed out post it notes to everyone so Amy would know who to make the book out to. I opted for slut puppy. She didn't open the present in front of me but I'm just going to assume that she loved the lighters so much she cried tears of joy, kissed them & called David immediately to tell him about it. 

Like I said, EPIC. Dreams do come true.

If you like laughing for days & pee-ing in puddles, go pick up her new book at your local, independent bookstore. 

(a HUGE ASS THANK YOU to Jeremy who is responsible for taking those priceless pictures). 

Next up? A recap of the most adorable baby shower I helped throw for my hot mama friend, Nikki!