May 7, 2010

don't pull my finger. no srsly.

So, the other day Ruby was sitting on the floor & she had her doodoo pushing face on but she didn't doodoo, she only farted. The whole time she was whispering, "oh. oh yeah. ok. ok." It made me laugh so hard I almost farted too. 

If the whole pretty scar on my womb place doesn't convince you that she is, in fact, MY child, that fart story will.  

I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, maybe on my ancient ass blog on xanga, but my farts are SO amazing. They're like loud & noisy & they smell like rotten broccoli garbage that's been sitting in the hot sun. Mmmm!

Please forgive me if you have stumbled on this post whilst consuming something delicious & now you feel all gaggy. If that's the case, just skip the rest & look at the pretty fart art. 

Anyways- most men (& some balls to the wall women) would be jealous of my flatulent ability. It's major. Now, Zack's farts on the other hand are darling little poofs. He farts like a girl. His sound like someone sat on a baby duck. AND they don't smell. Well, sometimes they do but not often. 

I feel like it should be the other way around, you know. I'm the girl, I should fart delicately. He's the one that should have mule like anal emissions. It's proof that God most certainly has a sense of humor. Also, there is more proof & his(?) name is Richard Simmons.

P.S. I also have a tendency to shart. If you're a glutton for punishment (or sharting makes you lol, go read about the time I sharted at Carowinds amusement park & then got diaper rash. If you enjoyed that one, then hop on over to Angie's feces post). 

P.P.S. Thanks, spell check for letting me know I spelled shart wrong. It IS a word. It's a word that I use way more than I should. 

P.P.P.S. You know what's worse than sharting? Farting during sexual relations. Not that I've ever done that before. Cause I haven't. That's for disgusting people. Not me. Psssh.

P.P.P.P.S. Quit making that face. Stop being appalled. Don't act like you don't break the wind, dude. It's not like I'm talking about queefs or anything. Gah.

Here's the fart art I promised for those with easy queasy tummies! You can't tell me you didn't go skim it to see what I said about Richard Simmons though....

Man, I want a magic ass.


Meghan said...

omg. love that you wrote an entire post about farts, including art that you made dedicated to farts.


Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

you and me?

we're like parasitic twins with amazing gas.

Christa said...

sorta gives a whole new meaning to go blow it out your ass huh! I do love you and I love farting, ahhhh the relief!

Sparkle said...

It's an amazing family trait. Impressive displays. That's why there is the Sterrett Stinker Stopper. I was amazed. Or appalled .... something like that, or somewhere in between.

Did you make that fart art? You're puttin' Peter Max to shame.

robin said...

for the record, I didn't create the fart art. If you google image fart art, that's what you'll find. I think the artist is Japanese. I would google it but I'm too busy...doing...stuff.


Caroline said...

my friend lauren and i share a theory that one is more likely to shart if one swallowed cum on an empty stomach the night before. thought you should know that.


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